Sexuality and Gender


I'm old-school in some ways. I was born female and most of the time I identify as such. I don't call myself  a "man" in a literal sense like the lot of the transgender or gender-fluid diaspora. I only say it when it applies from a cultural perspective.

"Be a man"
"Man up"
"Men/Boys don't cry"

When I meet that bar of expectation, I do acknowledge the man in me as a pat on the back. The truth is, every single one of us has masculine and feminine inside of us; like yin and yang. I don't get bent out of shape about pronouns or subscribe to the moving target that is "political correctness" surrounding the trend of outrage and confusing your gender or sexuality with some meaningful facet of identity of self.

I am simply a woman in form and function, with the propensity for the machismo and pride of a GREAT man.

I even took a Jungian personality test and my results came up 76% Great Father, without disclosing my gender. So I know and accept this about myself, without needing to enforce it, because I prefer, instead, just to humbly know thy self.

I've said all of this to segue into my sexuality. In the past 10 years or so the topic has become as colorful as the LBGTQA to Z flag. There are so many different names and variant labels to describe an assortment of swirling sexual tastes and flavors, that, from the outside, looking in, one might think they'd walked into a Baskin Robbins.

My take is simpler. You're either one of two, or both. These are TRULY your only options, and therefore, existence anywhere on a spectrum between the numbers of 0 and 1 is STILL binary.

I'm not here to pick a meaningless fight over what is simply fact, but I just want anyone who reads this to realize, my sanity is not questionable. The only reason I question it, is to reinforce that I am in fact, sane. To that same effect, acknowledging that I might actually be insane, is also a way of validating my sanity; by always leaving room for that label as a dismissive excuse for what may not be easy for others to understand.

Sexuality and sanity are not mutually exclusive- As a matter of fact, I dare say they influence each other strongly, depending on the context.

Here's a little secret, reader. This year, September 2020, will be 7 years that I have not had sex. While most people groan and pity me, for missing out on something they consider as essential as water or breathing, I have not actually gone wanting...

Well, that's a lie. The first 2 years were hard. But after that, I understood more profoundly what sex truly was, and I can't get it from anyone, living here on this planet, at present.

I know, I sound really pretentious, don't I? Just call me crazy.

I'll vaguely touch on my sexuality, and try and help you understand me, better. But I can make no promises on actually helping you understand yourself.

Around the time I was in my late 20s, I began to change and grow rapidly in a spiritual sense. This was a very frustrating and disorienting time for me, concerning my romantic relationships. I wasn't confused about what I wanted, but I began to see through people's intentions, in general.

So when it comes down to a sexual or romantic partner, there came a lot of red-tape with false starts and people's (men's) words and actions not matching their actual intent.

About this time is where a lot of women get frustrated and decide they want to try and be bi-sexual or lesbian. The lack of being able to understand how men process thought becomes so unbearably nonsensical, they either give up completely or settle for toxic masculinity in all its squalor.

But for me, it took a turn.

I saw an incomplete male. Maybe he was only at 60% of his full potential in self-actualization; and though everyone wants to behave as if they're not trying to change a person they want to have a relationship with, we all go into committed relationships with that expectation. Instead I sought to complete his shortcomings with a substitution.

Another male.

Now, there you go, trying to put me in a box, "A throuple, you mean?" "An open relationship?" "You're just polyamorous."

Nope, that's not it either.

See, in 3-simple-dimensions, of course, that's how it figures. But I can't take pieces of one person and simply stick what I like about him to another one, here. I can't just smash them together like a ball of clay that completes a pie chart of spiritual attainment. Down here, it looks like just another debauched excuse to have a threesome, even if some people swear up and down that's simply their preference.

See, if I were born at the right time, in the right place, this would actually be the beginning of a harem. That's the best way I can describe it. It's not about sex at all, actually.

Sex is a small one-line inclusion in a covenant contract a mile long. There are way more facets to the complexity of this relationship that don't make it as simple as putting those pandering pedestrian labels on it.

So wouldn't that make the men gay? Or at least bi?

If you want to be a simpleton about it- but in the end it makes them genderless. It makes them wavelengths of light instead of meat people who are only concerned with jiggling just right to have a short fit of involuntary muscle spasms.

What's so great about that, anyway?

I suppose attracting a harem does actually speak in a meaningful way about my identity, so I guess I was wrong about that bit.

If you don't agree, just call me delusional.


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