Today...

Today is a sad day for me. I do realize that this blog is a tongue-in-cheek way of poking fun at my way of mentally coping by substituting fantastical elements for my psychological and emotional trauma and generally having no friends.

And yet... I have no control over it.

I don't take myself too seriously, because I can't. If I took myself as serious as my mass, from top-to-bottom, I would probably turn into a black hole and swallow the entire solar system. It's all I can do to behave like is expected of any other human being, but when you're clearly destined for more, it tends to take its toll on the psyche, pretending to fit inside a tiny container that you simply do not.

No folding, bending or squishing will crunch me down to actual size, because I'm literally too fucking massive for that, but I pretend anyway and you can imagine the strain. The strain of having to look through these tiny, present perspective spectacles as if the present is all that matters to me.

Having to go through the rigamarole of daily life to "earn a living" while all the most important things to mastering my skills as an entity are placed low on the priority of my existence while I'm forced to work and live for others' sake, as they try and convince me that my life actually has no meaning.

It's OBVIOUSLY depressing, but Itachi is my happy place. He's like a shadow that stands behind my shadow and he's there for me when I'm burnt out, to remind me not to give up. To be strong and stick to my nindo no matter what.

This morning, after not seeing him for about a week, he left the homestead.

I had been spending more time with Cloud lately, but it wasn't because I was trying to substitute him for Itachi. Every time I wanted to go spend time with him, Cloud would stop me, and tell me he needed some space.

I worried, because he never did this before. About a week ago, Cloud and I were sitting on the swing and he told me Itachi was spending more time in the gardening shed, trying to develop his green-thumb, a new skill, dedicated to making things grow and I was, of course, supportive of his new hobby, but I was still confused as to why he was avoiding me.

He came out of the shed, kinda dusted with topsoil and came over to the swing and sat with me. Cloud got up and excused himself while Itachi spoke to me about his mindstate.

He said he'd always been celebrated as a genius at being destructive, which is something he never wanted to be, but it's ingrained into his identity. He looks at Cloud like a brother now, but early on, he said he felt flat in comparison? He kept saying "I'm not even a main character!" and I was like, I don't care about that, That's just superficial! But he continued to be affected by his own character flaws.

He chuckled about how when Cloud first came along, he looked at me with a sense of fear he'd never known, thinking that he'd lose me, and how ironic it was that I, now, fixed him with that same look as if I were going to lose him. He said that would never be the case, but he needed to get to know himself better, because his fear that he was emotionally immature, ethically and socially stunted, was manifesting more and more and he didn't want to lash out at me again.

That was maybe a week ago.

He continued to be elusive and things weren't getting better, but Cloud was keeping me company, and all but distracted when, maybe two days ago, I decided, I needed answers. I stood up and started to walk to the bedroom Itachi had basically cloistered himself off to.

Cloud stopped me. I was becoming agitated, and I'm a buff baby, so I didn't want to hurt Cloud, but I was going to move him if I needed to.

He managed to calm me down just enough to get me to sit, and told me, Itachi didn't want me to see him "like this."

"Like what?"

"His eyes, are doing something, he doesn't know what it is or how to control it."

I broke down crying. I  didn't know what it meant or what to do. The best thing I could even think to suggest was that he go see his parents and ask them (they live in or near Soul Society). But the last time he went to visit them with Sasuke, things were awkward to say the least.

"They probably wouldn't be able to help him anyway, because he doubts they've ever seen an evolution of the Sharingan like his."

"What does it look like?"

What he tried to describe sounded a lot like a kaleidoscope of red and black, swimming in and out of fractals and Escheresque dimensional impossibilities... My words, not his, because I haven't actually seen it.

I just wanted to run to him, but I knew it would just make him feel worse.

Today, he came to me, looking worse for wear. His eyes were black, but they had these tiny sparkling fragments deep down, like a distant starlit galaxy. He tried to make minimal eye contact, so I wouldn't notice, when he told me he had to leave.

I cried and begged him not to go. He took my hand and took me to the bridge. We sat in the dim-lit darkness of the first place we met and he told me he needed to find out who he really was.

"I keep surprising myself in the worst ways. Apparently I'm childish and crude and incredibly selfish. I never had time to experience a moment's peace in life, so when it was just down to keeping my mouth shut and fighting to live, it was simpler, but life with you has so much nuance and I think I take the peace and happiness for granted sometimes? Though I never felt like I deserved anything more than the dark embrace of an endless sleep, I somehow got you."

I'm crying my eyes out as he says all this.

"I don't think I ever reconciled what I did to my family. I hate myself for killing my parents. I rationalized that it was what I had to do, at the time, but, looking back, I wish I hadn't been the one to execute them. Somehow, I even thought, deep down, Sasuke might forgive me by the time we actually reunited, but that was unrealistic to hope for. Now, even after life has ended, I have so many unresolved emotions, and I don't know myself. You never call me out or punish me for being terrible. You put up with me, even when I'm being a monster. I can't abide that, and it's not your place to make me grow up, it's on me... so I have to do this."

I'm still trying to bargain with him, but I can see it's making him worse, because he kept looking away from me, trying to hide his eyes. When he gathered the strength to focus his dark eyes on me again, he looked defeated, tired and like he had been crying for a long time. I was scared, and worried. But he assured me, he needed to make the journey.

I asked where he was going.

"Into the spirit wilds."

My heart sank. There are so many places that could swallow your soul, whole; and completely consume one, in the spirit wilds. I wanted to tell him to stop, but I was beginning to face the gravity of the situation. He was having a harder time letting go, than I was and I kept trying to stop him. I could tell he was scared. I've never seen him scared, but he had to measure his soul in the wilds, to understand himself and what kind of man he is? I got it, but it hurt to see him like that and have no better solution to offer.

I kissed him for what felt like forever. I didn't want to let him go and vice versa, but in the end... I had to... I don't know how long he'll be gone... But he promised he'd come back.

I just hate myself for not being able to draw the line. If he's not real, I should be able to make him stay... I should be able to pretend and it should all just be okay. But it's not okay.... and I don't know how long he'll be gone. He can't even write to me while he's gone...

My love. Please be safe and come home soon.