Trying Times...

I haven't posted in a while, for a few different reasons. Mainly because I've had to deal with some extenuating circumstances surrounding my real life. It never fails- I have to handle haters; it's an occupational hazard of being me. Certain kinds of empty-headed, 1-dimensional people want so badly to make an enemy of me that it seems I should probably just embrace the role of the villain!

The universe seems to keep trying to hand the title to me, like a sword of destiny and I keep shaking my head like, "No thanks, I prefer ice cream."

So here, just in classic journal entry fashion, I'm going to attempt to untangle my perception of myself in terms of alignment, for anyone who's wondering.

Once upon a time (circa 2006-07) I played a magnificent game by Bioware (The makers of Mass Effect) called Jade Empire.

This game was about a "Spirit Monk" who was raised their whole life, in a small village, taught by a kung fu master and slowly discovers they have a deeper spiritual affinity to Wuxia and the magical side of the Yin/Yang coin, that is kung-fu.

Without getting too into the plot and details of the game, suffice to say, it changed my life. It was a great game in terms of building your abilities and fighting combos, sure, but the best part of the game was the subtle way your alignment hung in the balance, and how certain decisions influenced your journey, abilities and ultimately the outcome of the ending of the game.

Playing it for the very first time, I came out somewhat in the middle- seemingly indecisive as to whether I was Good-(✋Open Palm) or Evil-(✊Closed Fist), having made some hard calls that may have been self-serving or hurt others, versus sometimes doing what was ultimately selfless purely for the betterment of mankind.

The second time, I wanted to be as evil as possible, just to explore the possibilities. I sacrificed a little girl to a demon, I bound people's souls to my will so that they could not disobey me, and I killed any and everyone who stood in my way. This was the way of Closed Fist- Unrelenting, cold-blooded, and ultimately self-serving.

The third time, I played the angelic role of a scholar, seeking intellect and knowledge for the purpose of its application. Thus, I became strong as a beacon of morality. I won a heated debate with a colonizing foreigner, I saved a village from being flooded, I saved lives and souls, even when ushering them to the afterlife. This was the way of Open Palm- Morally intellectual, Altruistic, and using your weapons and fighting only to balance the injustices of oppression.

I played the game countless times after this, and each time learned more about the depth of programming that was the game, as well as myself.

According to my Jungian and Meyers-Briggs tests along with the classic Alignment Chart, I'd say I fall somewhere neatly in the middle. I teeter between True Neutral and Lawful Neutral, NOW, while always striving toward WANTING to be lawful good.


Unfortunately, the world we live in does not allow for a Truly Lawful Good person to genuinely exist without succumbing to crippling depression when people constantly shit all over them and assert that their exceeding kindness not only makes them weak, but idiotic. How many careers support this alignment? How many children can coexist with this kind of person before they succumb to some form of bullying or another?

To this day, I prefer to be kind over anything, simply because it makes me feel good to spread the good feeling- but after 30-some odd years I've learned a few tricks, that it took that long to even get the hang of.

1.) Hate is a tool and a necessary evil.

I just very recently (within the past 2 months) figured out what it means to actually hate someone. My entire life, I literally was too much of an optimistic and imaginative person to hold on to the grudge needed to ferment into hate.

I never believed anything good or productive could come from hatred, and innately found it to be somewhat telling that if a person can harbor hate in them, they are also probably a moron. For me, it's the same with jealousy- I find it to be an unreasonable emotion, almost always unfounded and superficial, therefore, I shun the emotion and choose not to feel it.

Yet, recently I was confronted by a situation in which the grudge held ME, no matter how many times I let it go, it kept coming back like a boomerang; until, eventually, it cured into something more refined, defined "Hate". Hate isn't all bad. It can be a very effective armor. If there are people who are likely or prone to sabotaging you, it's probably best to let your sense of innate disgust keep you as far away from them as possible.

2.) Anger Management doesn't mean never being angry.

I often choose not to be angry. In situations where I'd be completely justified in being angry, I prefer not to be.  I don't like feeling negative emotions without there being anything to do about them. The only person one can control is themselves, therefore, whenever an outside source had made me angry, I have had the understanding that I cannot control their actions, therefore, it's not hard for me to resolve my own emotions, for the most part, and simply CHOOSE to be happy instead.

Notice I said "Happy" instead of  "Choose not to be angry". Anger is a torrential emotion, so it has to be replaced by something. You can't just move it out of the way and replace it with null. I had pretty much mastered the art of distracting myself with happy thoughts until I had this encounter with these mindless walking sacks of skin that I'm convinced sprang from the primordial slop, just so they could fulfill their self-important destinies of being pests to me.

Then, I found anger is an important teaching tool as well as a motivated guide in shaping one's self-identity on what they clearly never want to become.

After the entire scenario was said and done and FINALLY handled, I tried to break back into my happy space, no bars held. But I'd changed. I felt like a weight was attached to the slender ankle of my muse- her wings beat hard and fast against the weight of someone else's insecurities thrust upon us as if the curse of their existence is directly our problem.

It was a conundrum. I had never not been able to hastily leave behind any negative emotions someone else had caused me. As I sat and meditated about a way to release the negative energy that I'd accumulated over the 2-month span, seething and fermenting to a newfound hatred, festering in my solar plexus, I resolved that the only way to release it would be to cast it out.

Over the past few millenia people have labeled this sort of thing a "curse", technically. However, I don't see it that way. It's just meta physics, to me. Seeing as how all of the accumulated weight was a result of two people throwing their trash into my river; I simply see it as throwing the trash over a cliff.

It has no bearing on me that the trash is inextricably linked by chains to its source. If it happens to be so heavy that it drags the people who cast it, over with it, so be it. They will either be dragged to their demise by the weight of their own garbage or become strong enough to pull it back up and sort through it themselves... But it will go one way or the other and I have quite the reservoir.

Unfortunately for them, this is the only way it could have ended since it's not my responsibility even as a Lawful Good-Open Palmed divine goddess to carry the weight of their sins, (you're looking for Jesus). As to whether I'm actually good or evil is relative. If I am the definition of Existence, existentially, my being closed fist doesn't actually make me evil. It's more nuanced than that. For example, I wouldn't hurt an innocuous and harmless being, but I would shed blood when necessary, without hesitation- and now that I've mastered hate, I wouldn't feel bad about it at all. On the contrary, I'd rejoice.

Fortunately for me, I am finally able to float without the strain of the extra weight, and carrying it around for so long has actually made me stronger anyway. Win/Win.

Unburdened and Unbothered