A Seemingly Random Interjection

It may seem from an outside perspective that my "inflated sense of self-worth" grants me an over-confidence, but the truth of my existence is actually very precious.

We are all "mortal" in the flesh, myself included and what I wish for the most these days is that I had more time. Not because humanity is careening toward zealous unethical nonsense with each passing day, but because people don't know how to turn it off.

Some news isn't news at all, some things are just dug up to discredit, slander, or cancel others, and other things are legitimate news, but we don't need a play-by-play every second of every single day.

Truth is, I was angry when summer came, because of an incident following someone's personal attack on me in the spring that had a ripple effect that lasted through the summer. I hated the heat, I hated the sun beaming into my window every morning and waking me up at 6AM. When it rained for a month straight, I was relieved, even pleased. I found out people were losing their homes and crops to flooding, and I felt a little bad for them, but I was sincerely grateful for the month of rainfall.

Eventually the sun came back out, and I, having had no summer vacation to speak of, was begrudgingly accepting of the fact that I can't control the weather...

Or the wifi. Or basically anything.

Sometimes, I wish I had more time to just be. The culture of humanity doesn't recognize this at all since the advent of the interconnectedness. If you're not being productive in some way, it doesn't count. You want a vacation? Well you'd better take pictures to prove you were there, and they had better be beautiful. What's relaxing if you're not sharing it with strangers on the internet?

I've just gotten to the point where I'm no longer excited about weekends. Because they're two days off to prepare for the upcoming week. I don't even look forward to them anymore, because I can only worry about the next "upcoming" week. The weekend is just too short to do anything I actually want, and if I want to relax, well that's become very difficult due to the noise.

I don't know if you can hear it. I don't even know if I can "hear it". The Wi-fi buzz. I can feel it inside my skull. When I turn off my computer and lie down to go to sleep, it's humming. The power went out once upon a storm, in August and it was so quiet and peaceful. If the apartment wasn't 90 degrees, it would have been perfectly relaxing.

Sometimes, I take the time to go and sit outside, and I felt this overwhelming sadness. I look at the beauty of nature around me and make conversation with spiders and wasps, and I feel like crying. Because it's so beautiful. It's so green and the air carries a sweet smell of water and trees in it. The sky is actually blue. What color is better for a sky than blue? It's the best color... and this all feels like a memory in that moment. I'm here. At present and I can't help but feel overwhelmingly sad as if this is not actually here anymore. 

I feel my surroundings, I'm present in my self, but somehow, I just want to cry because I couldn't save it. I savor the moments that I can breathe the air outside, and that Strawberries are available at your local grocer for 5-6 dollars. When you can feel the breeze and still see white fluffy clouds blowing by on a perfect blue sky. 

It pains me, so much because it's not always going to be this way. I try to be lucid, like clinging to a memory of a perfectly happy place, in the present, when EVERYTHING is fucked up and I want to weep because it's going to be that much worse. There will be generations who only hear stories of a blue sky, on a planet where the air smelled like flowers in spring..and to think there were people who just ignored, wasted it and took it for granted...I just could cry... I feel like it's already been lost, and I don't know how better to explain it other than to say that this is already past tense...

Which would suggest that in the future, on the timeline that I occupy, the planet is destroyed.

I don't know when- I would never tell myself that information, because I know me, so I'm afraid I can't tell you if it'll be within the next 100 years or the next 5. All I know is when I talk to those little spiders and dragonflies, I feel that their memories and culture dating back millions of years makes them look at me with a kind of civility and curiosity that humanity is throwing away with every passing day. We talk about everything so analytically that we have regressed to this cold-blooded reptilian state, despite our mammalian architecture.

We just treat our surroundings as if they're just there, built to serve us, and we don't put any more thought into consideration beyond what it can do for "me".

I saved a wasp a while back. She was disoriented, crawling on the floor and I almost stepped on her to keep her from stinging the children, but when I put my foot over her, she stopped moving as if she was ready to accept her fate. Like she was tired of fighting to try and figure a way out of the building she was trapped in. Once I saw that she was intelligent I changed my mind and got a cup and a piece of paper. I scooped her up and took her outside. Once I turned over the cup I saw she was hugging a small flower I had pruned from my plant earlier in the day and it just warmed my heart. She was snuggling the flower as if to say "Thank you"

I walk past three massive Joro spiders on my way up to my class every day for a week now. They're about 2-3 inches and I noticed each of their respective webs has smaller little brown spiders on them. I found out the little ones are males, and they're always there... together. Yesterday I watched one couple, before knowing what the relationship was and the little brown one climbed on the big 3-inch female and I was scared for him, he subsequently began what looked like kissing her belly area. I thought he was eating her, but she wasn't fighting him, and I went on to find out they were mates.

Today after I found out, I walked up the stairs observing the 3 separate webs. The first web was incredibly detailed and intricate, tiny holes, thin threads, immaculate weaving, and the male and female were chillin' separately, the second web was multidimensional. She made like 3 separate criss-crossing webs with thicker threads to catch more insects, (and it's working well) and they are also chilling separately. Then the third web was minimal, and as soon as I walked up, the male spider crawled over to his lady almost like he wanted to protect her and he hugged her. Like they were belly to belly and he was definitely loving his gigantic lady spider. He stopped moving a moment and I felt like they were both staring at me, kinda like when you're performing explicit acts in front of a puppy, wondering if they know what you're doing. At that moment, I apologized and left them alone, since, clearly these two were in love. 

You think that's absurd don't you? That's why I cry. They've been here for millions of years. How many iterations and instances of love stories just from sheer luck and chance can come from 400 million years times trillions of spider lifetimes?

For such potential, your auras are awfully gray. 

You'll be lucky if your skies match.