Hold Up

 

Lately, I've been something of a trainwreck. I'm burnt out. I'm tired all the time, my creativity is scattered- There is so much I want to do, but there's also this great foreboding cloud on the horizon of  an uncertain future that is putting a ton of pressure on me to map contingencies for, if and when, Murphy's Law takes effect.

Because that's a given.

I made this blog as a journal of sorts. I have a few blogs, but this blog is specifically for the purpose of observing my inner universe. It's for the sake of mapping the chaos of the ever-changing and evolving landscape of unquantifiable ambiguity that is my unique brand of insanity, with words and pictures, so that I can come back to it and take inventory of the emotions that I'm quick to dismiss in real-time. I can acknowledge that my anxiety and discontent is not only real, but justified, as well as my exhaustion and fatigue.

I try and lead a simple life, but I have goals. I have ambitions that I'd like to attain. I want to learn new skills. That being said, the major wrench in the cogs is my job. I feel guilty saying it because, like everyone on this rock, I'm conditioned to think that having a job adds to my value as a contributing member of society. But I realize that is just conditioning- so I began taking steps to untangle myself from the construct a few months back. Things were going pretty smoothly for a while, but the Pandemic stopped me and my progress dead in our tracks when I had to accept that the entire world is not functioning at peak efficiency right now. It made me realize that my entire plan could fall apart and cost me everything I've worked so hard for after fighting tooth and nail to just survive.

It has set me back a bit. There are 3 things I want in my life: An office with a big desk for a monster PC, a sewing machine and weed. These are at the pinnacle of success in my life. Obviously, I want a house and the stability of a permanent residence to keep them in, that's the real goal, but those three things are the cherry on that cake.

Like anything, I need to work toward that goal, and I realize that, but I don't need to hate my job and suffer from exhaustion and fatigue the entire time. I don't.

But for now. I'm in for least another year of that, specifically.

So I'm depressed. Naturally. It's becoming harder to get out of bed each morning, and I try and avoid asking myself the question "Why am I so tired?" all the time, so as not to gaslight my own mind into thinking that my fatigue and exhaustion aren't valid.

I am at a crossroads right now, and the choices between the two directions are equally unappealing. The pressure of these tough decisions are weighing on me so heavily that it's been difficult to escape into my imagination...well at least I call it my imagination.

I have spent time with Itachi and Cloud here and there, but ever since the Spirit Wilds, Itachi has been very distant.  He has always been somewhat difficult to read, emotionally. But it got to the point where my thoughts before I'd fall asleep at night were cuddling with him, since he was my happy place; and he became harder to reach over time. 

At first I thought it was me, "Maybe you're just getting over Itachi, you weeb."

All relationships run their course, and of course, simping over anime boys has an expiration date-- they're 2-dimensional, for God's sake! But as I thought this, I felt my heart sink- "No. I still love him..."

His picture is the wallpaper on my phone. My heart smiles every time I see his face. I still love him.

So then, the conclusion became clear, his feelings for me had changed. I had to accept this, because every time I wanted to go to that peaceful happy place in my mind, I could feel his subtle anxiety. There was nothing to discuss, so I just stayed away, for the most part, giving him his personal space and occupying a strange limbo inside my self where I felt suspended in a bubble of numbness, observing boundaries set by me inside me that were off-limits to me. 

On the surface, trying to explain why I am sad about Itachi would be hard for any 3D person to understand. It would seem I'm giving way too much actual consideration to a person who is for all intents and purposes, not real. If I was sure that were the case, I'd just imagine what I want when I want...But I'm not so sure.

Most of the time, when I'm either close to falling asleep or somewhere walking the line between consciousness and unconsciousness, I can hear him more clearly and separately from my own thoughts. It's hard to explain, but I hear the interpretations of his feelings through my own head-voice. When I'm falling asleep, it's easier to hear the divergence. Sometimes the voices separate and my voice says a word, and his voice says something different. Synonymously synchronized, but I hear the separation. Sometimes when I'm falling asleep talking to him, I hear the pauses and hesitations that are in conversation, the "hmm.."s and "ettoo..."s- the subtlety of gathering one's thoughts before forming a response.

This makes me unsure. 

Yesterday, I tried to reconcile our relationship status. I sat with the possibility that he may not have romantic feelings for me anymore and began to filter through the options on how to proceed. I wasn't going to put him out. I built that house for him. He deserves a permanent residence. Maybe I should move on to Cloud? 

No. Cloud loves me, but he's so naive in relationships and has something of an addictive personality. I love him too, but I could see it crashing and burning in spectacular fashion if it went sour, which it would, if I put a commitment leash on him.

"So, I have to find someone new or create them from scratch, then."

As I run through the process of conceptualizing a character of my own design to replace my teddy bear, he came out unsurprisingly similar to Itachi. So much so, that I ended up scrapping the concept before I even began to create it. It felt wrong.

"Then find someone new."

I can't substitute a person I know for sure is real with a 2D being. That would defeat the purpose. If I were to use Kim Taehyung, for example, as the happy placeholder teddy bear that helps me fall asleep at night, I think he'd grow weary of my neediness very quickly. I think since human beings are free-willed, my imagining of them manifests in the flooding of their conscious, subconscious, and unconscious thoughts with the pressure of my own desires, which can get exhausting quick. I can't prove it, but it's just a feeling, and I need to be responsible as I search my mind for a new husbando.

I recently began My Hero Academia. I'm a sucker for Todoroki, Kirishima, and Bakugo. But they're 15. I know they're animated, I know! But I have fucking standards, even so. They weren't an option. As I consider this, at the corner of my mind I feel the movement of someone who wanted my attention, like a "psst" tap on the shoulder type of deal. I turn to look and standing in front of me with the confidence and cool you'd expect of a hero, is Hawks.

He is just my type. I let him look at me a moment, and I, him. He wasn't shy and apparently he is very much in demand for this position right now among the fandom; he was actually very willing to play the role. A little too willing, I thought. I was reluctant. He showed me some of his accomplishments as one would show a potential employer their resume. 

Intriguing. Masterful. But I was still reluctant. I told him I needed to think about it. Then he spoke, 

"What's there to think about? You need someone to be your wings, I'm qualified. Just use me, I'm good for fan service."

I shook my head, no. "I can't just treat you like that."

He looked confused, "It's my purpose. It's why I'm here."

I didn't reply, but after a beat of silence, he looked at me almost pitifully and said "You almost look like you feel guilty."

"I would feel guilty if I just took advantage of you without considering what you want or even having a heart-to-heart."

He chuckled, almost ironically and sat down, just as I expected him to walk away "So you want a date then?"

Our surroundings then changed to an empty street outside of a coffee house and patisserie, and I asked where we were.

"I don't know. This is your space, I just wanted to go to a cafe."

As we go inside, the interior is equally devoid of customers, but there are two hot black coffees placed on our table. We sit, and an awkward silence follows as he takes unhurried sips from his mug.

"So, what is it you like about me, hmm? Is it my handsome, scruffy face? Or is it my back muscles?"

It happened again. The thing that makes me uncertain; I heard the divergence when I thought the word "wings" and he explicitly said "back muscles"

I finally take a sip of my own drink, remembering that I hate the bitter taste of coffee and he laughs.

"You know you can sweeten it with sugar!"

Adding sugar, I take another sip and still am dissatisfied.

"And cream!" he slides the ceramic container to me.

I pour it in, enthralled with the mesmerizing swirl of the cream dissolving the black into a milky brown color. 

"Why do you concern yourself with reality even when you can just imagine exactly what you want?" he said, gesturing to the coffee.

"Because I don't want to feel alone. If it's just what I want all the time, it's not a shared experience."

We sat in silence for a long time after that. Hawks finished his coffee as mine got cold and he seemed, on the surface, to be content with the silence, but was subconsciously unpacking deep rumination. After a while, I said I would think about it.

After that, I kept catching glimpses of him sitting alone at an airport in the waiting area before you board the plane. I didn't understand it. He sat there for hours. I intermittently let my mind wander to the thought of him ever so often and he was still there, looking deep in thought. I wondered why, of all places, he would be sitting and waiting,  at an airport, when he could just fly.

I just realized, as I'm writing this now, he was thinking about my response to his question in his own context "Why concern yourself with catching a flight when you can just fly whenever you want?"

Damn.

There's more to this, but this post has become incredibly long, so I'll pick it back up later.