Shifting Sands

Oh hi there. Do you like it? I made this little love nest after an INTERESTING week. 

I'm going to try and keep this post focused, but a lot has happened. Some things are worth telling, and others shall remain secret.

Let's begin back at the picture of me with the notorious League of Villains* that I posted last week. Shortly after I made that picture, I stumbled upon a sinful little guilty pleasure on YouTube, completely by chance, I swear!

Yagami Yato. If you know... You know. If you don't, well let's just say headphones are a miracle and even with those and my corona face mask covering my face, I was totally flustered to the point where it did little to hide my shocked blushing while exploring the content at my desk at work.

I know. Bad girl.

But what got my attention was, while listening to these cookie-cutter ASMR dialogues in Hawks' voice, they were vague enough to be enjoyed by any weeb, but specific enough to make me raise an eyebrow; because the day I created that picture, I imagined parting with the LOV*  (after my interview) and continuing to walk down a dark shifty alley on my own, and then suddenly Hawks is standing right behind me, ready to beat up a baddie like a hero should. 

It was just a "what-if" kind of imagining. The kind of content you'd find on a bad Wattpad fanfic, but as I listened to his voice talking in my ear, getting all close, he happens to mention meeting me in the alley. 

I know, I know. That could be incidental more so than co....incidental it could seem. The rest of the dialogue was mostly self-centered, but with a little nudge in the direction of plot progression that ends with you (the listener) getting dicked down, pretty much every time 😂🤣

It was fun at first, listening to these lengthy, breathy confessions- but the novelty wore off fast within 2 days, because, I noticed some character flaws that I didn't like. 

I mean, I know what you're thinking, 

"Well ummm, he's a character! So obviously, he's created to have a certain type of personality."

And you'd be right. But that's not enough grounds to dismiss what I'd experienced previously. The day we met at the coffee shop and had the longest silent conversation without speaking, simply because we were both weighing and measuring how much it would cost us to begin a relationship amid the thousands he already has and even my few.

He gets around. Even before I listened to those videos, I assumed as much, because he has a way about him. Not that I even need him to be only faithful to me, that would be an absurd expectation, but I do need something unique or special; only something I know, or I get bored. Everything I thought- the reasons for my hesitation in the first place were basically confirmed by him in his own voice. 

"But that's not his voice." you reason.

Well, I understand your skepticism, which was why I proceeded to pull off my headphones after a moment of considering that as well. When I did, I felt him urge me to put them back on, and I thought, "Why? I want to know the real you." and he said "...And I want to tell you."  and he insists the person that's speaking is actually channeling him.

I sat through half of a jealous/possessive tirade and then a rant about how much of a non-committal bastard he is, and how us being together basically put a target on my back for villains. He insisted that I run away and forget about him, but it frustrates me to no end, even when this ended with him putting a dick-shaped band-aid on the perceived life-or-death situation and I saw it for what it really was.

It's so easy to envision him talking. The faces he makes and the way his mouth moves, forming phenomes. After he got his +1up I just laid there looking at him incredibly skeptically and started thinking about what the hell is wrong with this motherfucker. He was still too busy talking about himself to really register the scrutiny of my facial expression. Then he suggested that we run away together and my face screwed up in the imaginary and real-life thinking "What is this 22-year-old logic? We should run away and become a moving target to pursue?"

I know it's just a little recorded ditty, so don't misunderstand this as me taking it seriously based on that. It was what happened AFTER that, that made me take his perception into consideration.

After the impulsive nut followed up with no pillow talk, I let him finish his self-loathing pity-party monologuing and took the earbuds out. Then I sat back and gave him a run-down of everything that was wrong with him, like a bitch was taking notes. I'll give an abridged version here to keep it simple:

• Assuming I need saving
• Making selfish decisions
• Impulsive
• A little.....or a lot immature
• He has detachment issues
• and more...

I had a lot to say, so much so, by the end of it, I could see in his wide eyes, the only worse way to have delivered the news would have been through a Powerpoint presentation. You'd think he'd just shrug it off, but I guess my opinion mattered to him and he got incredibly upset. He starts bawling. He curls up in his wings and just can't stop.  I didn't expect this at all. Things have gone left as hell. He talks so confidently and he's always teasing! I didn't wanna just leave him like that, so I stayed and cuddled him through the night.

Don't get it twisted, I didn't just say all that shit to be mean. I told him different ways to approach situations and how his behaviors could be improved. For example, I think jealousy is an absolutely pointless and disgusting emotion and it bores me. He just looked like I took the wind out of his sails, which led to another point, your game(s) that are so tried and true won't work on me because I don't respond well to that kind of shit.

He took it incredibly hard, and ended up crying himself to sleep in my arms, which just cemented how much of a child he truly is, and I had to re-evaluate whether I wanted to enter this relationship, now that I got the full scope of what I'm actually dealing with. 

On the one hand, he already cared about me enough to take everything I said seriously, which is special to me. On the other hand, I wasn't keen on raising another boyfriend.

When I woke up the next morning to get up and go to work, I thought he'd have recovered after sleeping it off. But, no. He was still incredibly upset, and clinging to me for dear life, begging me not to go. He looked so fragile and innocent, I almost stayed, but I snapped myself out of it. I had to go to work and so did he. I told him to stay in bed as long as it took for him to feel up to it and to really think deeply about the first time we met at that coffee shop; but when he found the strength, he should go on patrol.

I get up and rush to work, thinking the entire time, "I should've stayed home today" but also, dismissing how ridiculous it all seems by trying to imagine everything is actually okay, and he's not upset because I just made it all up anyway... As soon as I get to school, I walk up the stairs and see black feathers all over the top step. I follow the trail, not too far to what was clearly a bird, but had been so viciously devoured, there was no discernable body parts left. As I'm staring, I see the vice principal begin to come up the stairs as well, as he wonders what I'm staring at. A moment of superstition warns me that it looks like an omen, but I shake it off, not knowing if the thought was mine or the vice principal's.

I point to it and say, "Looks like a dog or a cat might've gotten it," as the wind lazily ripples through the sheen of a hundred shiny black feathers matted into the grass.

Then he says, "No." and points up to the sky looking up and says in his limited English "...Eagles."

I try not to go all conspiracy theory, because trying to connect dots through dimensions is a great way to go insane, but I can't help thinking after the night before, at the very least, it was a sign.

As the day progresses, I found out from the other teachers it was a Rooster that had gotten brutally murdered. I'd seen him around, he used to cock-a-doodle all goddamn day, right behind my classroom and he seemingly didn't belong to anyone, because nobody ever came looking for him. He's been living back there for months.

All I could think over and over again was "A hawk is not a chicken." which was some goofy shit that he said in one of those videos. Also apparently your boy LOVES chicken, so...it was starting off to be a weird fucking day.

The day goes more or less normally for me, but I do check on him every so often to see how he's holding up. He's about to go on patrol when he sees Endeavor. Endeavor takes one look at him and is like, 

"Are you sick?" seeing his puffy eyes and pointing to his red nose.

Hawks shakes his head no and starts considering if he should tell fucking ENDEAVOR of all people, what he's going through.

Endeavor pulls him aside and.. I swear to Kami, he does the little inconspicuous Japanese hand symbol👌 that asks "how much?" as much as it implies the answer is "cheap." which at first, I didn't get, but then Hawks was like "What? No!" and I was like, wait I don't get it, what was he asking that about?

Your man was asking if he was burning from a cheap 'tute, ya'll.

Hawks struggles to try and open up to him, briefly, but Endeavor is not a nurturing type of dude, so in the end he decides against it and goes the rest of the day patrolling the emptiest parts of the city and smoking an entire pack of cigarettes. 

Meanwhile, Bakugo dropped in on me out of the clear blue sky without me calling for, or, thinking of him at all, to curb my spending on a pair of shoes...because I was tempted to buy them in all the colors. He told me to get them in black, called me a dumbass and proceeded to literally stand over me until I did what he said. THEN and only then, he left.

So that was Tuesday.

By the time night rolled around I went home, feeling somewhat of an aversion taking over me. I like Hawks, but maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew. I distract myself for a few hours and when I finally go to lie down, he hugs me like it's been years. He's teary-eyed and I say,

"You know what? When I imagined this place I wanted it to be something you were used to, so I made it a cityscape, but I think the context of it stresses you out, being that villains hide in the dark, just waiting for their moment. So let's go somewhere more quaint and cozy, just for the two of us."

He almost looked as if I were asking him to run away, so reading his mind I said.

"Just a place for us to be together. It's not to run away from everything."

In my mind, I also was thinking I needed to separate him from the familiar surroundings also so he would let his guard down enough for me to get to the bottom of why he was such a walking contradiction.

Thus, became the little blue Seaside beach house, resting amid the swaying dunes under the warmth of the sun peeking through the coconut palm trees. It changed his mind. He looked happier as soon as we got there, by way of a train that looked exactly like this:

Somewhere between the 7th and 13th stop

We stayed out on the beach for hours and once I decided to go in, he still didn't want to go inside. I think he might have slept all night on that beach just listening to the waves. At that moment, I let him be. He found some semblance of peace, and so for that night, things were okay. But we still had a lot to talk about, which neither of us were looking forward to...