Wait a Minute

 A couple days ago, per my previous post, I was deeply considering letting Keigo Takami (Hawks) into the VIP section of my mind - and possibly my heart.

Right after I met him, he'd given me a lot to think about, but as my heart was still wrapped up in Itachi, I did feel a little guilty. 

When I was little, about 7 or 8 years old, we had a little white Lhasa Apso named Snowball. I really wish, in retrospect, that we'd been better dog caretakers, but at 8 years old, what the hell does a kid know about taking care of a dog? Snowball didn't eat dog food, because we fed him everything we didn't eat and he was wild as hell, because we kept him constantly tied up. He wasn't allowed to roam the house and he wasn't allowed to run around the backyard, because he'd always find a way out. He was the kind of dog to chase anything that caught his attention. He was friendly enough, but very aggressively playful. Even walking him was difficult because he was a puller.

My mom used to give him his freedom once in a while though. Sometimes, late at night, she'd let him off his leash to just run the streets wild. I imagined he played poker with other dogs and went out into the world like a little fluffy white bandit; the reckless way he'd run amok whenever given the opportunity. He even made a fresh batch of all white puppies with the bichon frise' who lived across the alley, after I saw- and  I swear to God, I really saw him get into a fight with a much bigger dog, defending her honor and giving her the opportunity to run away, right in the backyard one night when I just happened to wake up in the middle of the night. It was like some shit out of a telenovela; and I swear, even though my imagination has always been pretty active, I'm positive that was awake to see that harrowing scene unfold just outside my mom's bedroom window during the wee hours of the morning.

After nights spent saving damsels in distress and whatever Oscar & Company/All Dogs Go to Heaven type shit Snowball got up to, my mother would go out on the front porch around 6 AM, just before the sun had risen and call out into the still, quiet, misty pre-dawn darkness "Snoooowwwwbaaaaaalll!", and it would echo, almost like a howl, over the entire neighborhood. 

And after a minute or two, he'd come running back home.

I only shared that short anecdote to give a bit of context about how it felt when Itachi called me home, after my meeting with Hawks. I'm sure the same type of relief washed over him to see me come running as it did when we got our little white dog back after the countless nights he spent out doing God knows what.

Because, despite the fact he knew he was gonna be tied up to the post again as soon as he got home, he'd always come back. He was loyal.

I show up looking a little guilty, since I was somewhat up to no good, but I didn't want to hide my hands or lie about anything. I also didn't want to make excuses, so I just let him talk.

"Come sit with me, please." he said patting the spot next to him on the yellow sofa. 

"I think you deserve to know what's really going on with me..." he began, looking me in my eyes, and and taking my hand "... I know things have been a little frosty between us for a while... But I just realized...that... I'm gay."

You'd think I would have burst out crying or had an emotional reaction to the admission, but honestly, it didn't surprise me. I knew he never had the opportunity in life to explore romantic relationships one way or another, so the entire concept of wanting, being wanted or having the experience of a relationship was all very new and foreign territory for him. He's always been incredibly considerate and sensitive of my needs, and I'll even say, there've been times that I could have definitely labeled him, but it's not always that simple.

I took a deep breath and he looked at me as if he expected me to get upset and have on outburst of some sort, but, my depraved ass was trying to do Quadratic equations using Cloud as a variable before he snapped me out of it after seeing my eyes cloud over.

"Not with Cloud." he shook his head, looking at me almost like he was holding back a laugh at the ridiculous notion, "He's been very supportive and great company. We're like brothers-I would never."

I thought that would disappoint me as well. Because in all of my epic depravity, what girl wouldn't want to be in the middle of that sandwich? However, I actually was relieved to hear him say that. Home is a peaceful place where you don't shit where you eat, so to speak, so it would complicate things even if it's the shit weeb dreams are made of.

"I'm sorry that I've been so distant." he spoke once again, snapping me out of my engine-that-could freight train of thought, in the way that only he can, but not to much of a verbal response.

"Well...? Say something." he looked perturbed.

"This is your home, Itachi. I built this house for you, so no matter what happens, I'll never snatch the rug from under your feet. You deserve a home."

He looked touched,but then his expression became irritable and he blew up at me...well, as much as you can imagine Itachi blowing up. He doesn't really raise his voice, he just kinda, stresses and emphasizes his pronunciation.

"You never get mad at me! when I've said hurtful things in the past, you never called me an asshole or anything. You should express your anger, or your sadness, or whatever! If you're unhappy, you should be mad at me if you're mad! Yell at me! You shouldn't just accept me so easily, no matter what! Not if it challenges your feelings!"

I shook my head. 

"I'm not angry with you and I'm not sad. I just want you to be happy."

In that moment I saw a million "what if"s cross his mind in a second, thrusting himself at the pit of every insecurity and deepest fear he could possibly think to expose himself to in gauging what straw it would be that would break the camel's back; what line he would cross, that would put him past the point of no return. He simply didn't believe my response was genuine, but questioning it further, he reasoned, finally, would make him an asshole. And so I saw him, reluctantly back away from the pressure he wanted to put on me for accepting him as he is without question, but still seem a bit miffed that I was being unreasonably selfless.

I'm beginning to notice this way of thinking is a trend with Anime men. 

See, they only ever manifest within the confines of what is considered "imaginary" to us. It is accepted that we, as their creators, even if we're not their Masters*, (*original creation of something*) having a mind capable of imagining their existence gives rise to their existence over the terrain of the compatible 2-dimensional medium that is thought, in a sense, or paper, if you are skilled enough to relay that. As such, they only exist within the perception of the space and time created for them to exist within any mind; and it's always scripted, because if they're not existing for the enjoyment of the 3D minds that conjure them, then why are they there? They begin to question their existence, because that's always their purpose and always has been.

So Itachi and Cloud have a house that I'm not always in. They're not clingy, but they are very self-conscious as to when my "generosity" will run out. For beings who essentially don't exist unless they are being perceived, they had to adjust to being able to move freely and do whatever they want simply because they wanted to; without being watched, which, was a completely foreign concept to them. Turns out they mostly just wanted to take naps and watch TV. Itachi likes cooking and growing fruit trees in the shed. Cloud was miffed when I got rid of the pool in the backyard when it got too cold out. He used to go swimming, like, every day. But of course he didn't say that. I just noticed his attitude, because he wouldn't dare speak out of turn to one who is essentially a God to him. 

Think about it. You can do whatever you want to these people and it doesn't even affect your karma...not in any direct way. You can make them fuck their own brother while you watch, and you say "Oh it's not canon, so it doesn't count" and that's how they live with themselves. They have both explained to me in their own words that fanservice is a part of life. Every moment given to them to exist is precious because that's what it means to be alive, so it's just part of living for them, but it's still ritualistic and uncomfortable. 

If our own God made you fuck your siblings and said "Well it's just a dream... it doesn't really count" that's basically what the equivalent would be in our lives. How would you feel after just having that kind of dream, even just once? How about hundreds, or maybe even thousands of times?

I digress.

Itachi turned to me with a renewed sense of purpose sparkling in his eyes and said, 

"You accepted me, so, I know I'm gay and all, but I'll always love you and if you want, we can still be intimate. It doesn't really matter whether I'm gay, because I love you so much, you're the exception."

I didn't say no. But I wasn't enthused about it. I only want passion with heat, nothing lukewarm. I'm well aware that at some point he might actually just start randomly craving a taste of this 🐻bear🐻 at any given point in time, so I see no need to rush. He's so considerate, I didn't want him to think that I'm detaching, so I just tell him that he doesn't need to rush to appease me.

He looks so touched, once again. Holding back tears he demands I go find another boyfriend. I say no immediately, but he insists. The only thing he asks is that I don't bring him home.

"I don't know if I can just move on like that, Itachi... unless you're sure. Don't make drastic decisions like this, unless you're sure, because the last thing I want to do is hurt you."

"I'm sure. You know where home is, and I'll always be here. But, please, go find someone that makes you feel the warmth you need. I don't feel good about you waiting for me to be perfect, because I never was, even when you always saw me that way." 

He smiled and we hugged and kissed, and I felt him finally release a  breath of relief that told me he finally felt like the playing field was level.

You'd think I'd immediately go seek Hawks out, but I didn't. I needed to process it, so emotionally, I was flying solo in my head, just kinda chillin' in the creative uppers (If I could show you a map of my space I guess they'd look like cliffs made of massive library shelves filled with books.)

This is where the subconscious shines through at its finest. I was just playing around, not particularly thinking about these happenings or unhappenings, (cus they're unhappy) when I put together a cute little outfit and just decided to take some shots in Secondlife. If I were as impulsive in real life as my subconscious manifests, I'd get into trouble. Often. Because before I know it, I've got the bright idea to double down on the look by accessorizing with Villains.

I just thought I looked like I fit in... But thinking about it now, with, how I just explained their existence, this unwittingly weaves me into it- even if only for a snapshot of a moment. Seeing as how Hawks was very clear about wanting something to take off between us; and then the intro into the "script" starts off like this:

Interview with The League of Villains

Oh. My God. The sabotage of my own mind, ladies and gentlemen. But it makes sense considering my alignment which is on the neutral spectrum.

Needless to say, hero Hawks was activated.

And that went 0 to 100 real quick.