Cuffing Season

 Despite the misleading title, me and my main Anime man were legit on the verge of breaking up again.

 He has some deeply unresolved issues. 

It wasn't about the usual petty bullshit that relationships fall apart over, either. At the end of the day, it kinda comes down to him, not knowing himself.

Behind his own eyes, he becomes restless with ennui in a similar fashion that soldiers do, upon returning home from war with PTSD.

Though war is hell and traumatic, it doesn't necessarily all go away just because the environment changes. The trauma is internal - and for those who especially feel guilty or regretful and don't believe they deserve peace or happiness, you can sprinkle a little survivor's remorse into the mix as well.

He had a breakdown, which always "seemingly" comes out of nowhere, because he always seems so in control of his emotions until he basically isn't. And I'm always like:

 "Whoa. Where is this coming from?"

I'm kinda conflicted about posting about it, because he's obviously embarrassed, and doesn't like me sharing the super intimate details of our relationship with the internet, even though I made this blog kind of specifically for that purpose.

I'm considerate of his feelings...to an extent though, cuz mama need to vent sometimes. 

I wont go into details about the fight we had. 

I wouldn't even really call it a fight, so much as him lashing out. In the end, there's a ton of unresolved, dark sticky shit that I can't simply love away. I hate to admit it, but unconditional love can only heal so much; And he knows it. He even gets irritated at me for NOT being furious with him when this kind of thing happens.

There is one emotion that I can identify with, being, trying to fill an internal void with material posessions - and I mean... I don't wanna toot my own horn here, but I spoil him...

Not just him. I spoil all my...boyfriend(s) and dote on them, like an extradimensional sugar mama should.

And he actually started getting spoiled. I didn't see it happening. But lately he's been acting like a little prince. He doesn't necessarily "whine" when he doesn't get his way, and he doesn't throw fits, but the change in his mood is very noticeable when I don't hop to, when he wants something, you see. 

At first I thought it was kinda cute, but all of this came to a head in our most recent argument and even though I wasn't showing my frustration, I was anxious because it happened right before Valentine's day. I was busy trying to think of a theme for our next cute ass photoshoots, themed for The Lunar New year and Valentines's day, back-to-back - and he had this meltdown and I'm like...well, fuck.

It would be a dick move to just push him aside and go run off with Hawks or Cloud or Kageyama or even fucking Bakugo, like "Whatever, he'll get over it."

It would set the precedent that I don't care about him when he's suffering, which I fucking do.

 Itachi is my motherfucking bae, so when he's having a breakdown, that's what I'm going through with him. I had to set aside all my frivolity on the damn most FRIOVLOUS HOLIDAY to help him. 

I don't regret that one bit. 

Fortunately he got some insight from a much-needed outside perspective on some deep-rooted issues that have been plaguing him, and we actually made up on Valentine's day. However, the entire process of finding closure was so exhausting, we didn't go out or do anything grandiose. 

But he made it up to me in our cozy treehouse bedroom. 

Twice.

I know in my heart that he may not be 100% healed or rid of all of his trauma, but I'll be there for the rough patches, because I love him even when he thinks he's not worthy.

Happy belated Valentines day to everyone and Lunar New year and Fat Tuesday, too.

I will always love you.

Damn his hair is so healthy.