The Petty Jealousy Waltz

I've had a busy month. The happy new year has been nothing but more of the same, but with a sense of optimism attached that holds a vested interest in this COVID vaccine being a Godsend.

On a personal level, I'm dealing with a lot. Juggling tasks, time managing, and generally just compartmentalizing my life for my trip back home. 

I have a lot of conflicted feelings about Korea. Less so, the closer I get to my moving date. But for the most part, I think most of the fondness I feel for this place and the time that I've spent here, boils down to the great relationships I forged with my students. I have nothing bad to say about the kids. Even when they were being little hell-raisers, they were so precious.

That being said, I will not miss the condescending adult factors, either. I'll be the first to say not ALL Koreans walk around with this mindset, I'd even venture to say, most Koreans are more progressive than, even they, give themselves credit for; but that invisible Asian pressure from elders dead and alive, abound, is enough to squish most of them into whatever box/mold, they're destined to sit in for the rest of their lives; And the result is the astoundingly incredible and unbelievable lengths to which they are prepared to go to be petty.

It was hard for me to live under the pile of these boxes. Because I don't fit any of the standards physically, I don't fit any of them culturally, and I don't fit any of them metaphysically or even spiritually (which was surprising to me). There are so many passive-aggressive people who are so disgruntled by having to live so uncomfortably restricted within the confines of their own box, that they would sooner drop dread right in front of me, just to make it look like I committed the crime, myself, than to carry their own weight through the long path called life.
 
I know that sounds confounding, so speaking anecdotally- Imagine a person you know or work with who has low self-esteem for however many reasons their parents or surrounding environment has fucked them up. Imagine that you, yourself are secure (not overly confident, not grandiose or bossy, but just secure) meaning that whenever anything goes wrong, you are quick to think of or provide a solution and whenever someone is being indecisive, you have a way of decisively organizing information or executing tasks. 100% professionally secure. Now imagine that person taking your confidence personally...

"Who does she think she is?" is usually the pointless rhetorical question that crosses an inferior mind, because there's no truth to be answered from the target being asked (themself) of another's state of mind.

Without ever saying anything to you, of course it begins to manifest as passive aggression, and it seems to you, out of nowhere. So gradually you simply begin to distance yourself socially, speaking less, keeping any conversation to surface level, and disconnecting because this inferior beast wants to do anything they can to "take you down a notch"

I'm sure many people have danced this petty jealousy waltz, but here's where it gets uniquely weird. In Asia, losing face is a travesty. In any context when a person sets out to teach somebody a lesson or make a point that is validating their own self-worth, if they fail, it just makes them look and feel worse than when they set out and the secondhand embarrassment of anyone else who knows the story just by association makes THEM feel like that person is a literal drag. a fetter. A nuisance, a black hole, a sinking stone. in short: BAD. FUCKING. KARMA.

See they try and forget the basics but they're still innately affected by this shit.

So, you, being the type to avoid petty drama at ALL costs, keep chug-a-lugging uphill no matter what the stakes simply because there's nothing to be gained from engaging with these inferior beasts. And as a result, they lose face repeatedly. For them, it's almost like gambling. The stakes get higher every time they lose, but they want to regain their honor by winning back some of what they lost, so they take the same risks over and over again, but unlike gambling, this isn't a game of chance, so they end up losing until they finally end up in debt. To me, of all people. 

That's the actual worst.

Because an apology for trying to win a game they were playing entirely with themselves, will  never come. The fact that they deluded themselves into thinking they could possibly win (in that same internal rhetorical dialogue that STARTED WITH "Who does she think she is?") is what ended them up in this pit. Somehow they still blame me that their low-self-value they STARTED WITH is now in the negative numbers because they bet against me every time and lost...That's... my fault somehow...?

And that very specific mindset, hell-bent on self-destructing just for the chance to take me down with them, has been a constant variable during my tenure here.

It was exactly this specific monster that reared its ugly head, for the umpteenth time, that ultimately made me consider closing up shop and moving along. I simply am better than this. I was able to pretend I fit these preconceived notions for a few years, but I was clearly fucking bad at it from the start. Otherwise, none of these no-faces would have surfaced trying to fill their chasmic voids of insecurity with my light.

"Taking me down" ultimately backfired on them because it got me thinking. All these different people, complete strangers to one another all had one thing in common. They all manifested those same exact thought processes and actions, trying and failing repeatedly to their own abject dejection which was first prompted by the thought "Who does she think she is?"

"Who do you think I am?" I began to answer. If they were asking, they surely had some idea of their own perception of me. I may not be in charge, but they obviously perceive me as a boss. 

All of this specific brand of negative attention this entire time, hurting me, following me, antagonizing me, now FORCED me to accept the fact which I denied the entire time. I tried to make myself smaller, and keep myself humble in the face of blatant disrespect. I tried to be a good, meek, kind little foreigner who did as I was told, no matter how ridiculous, with a smile on my face. And in the end, when even that wasn't enough to not be challenged by the feral jealous beasts beating their chests for praise and attention, I finally cracked...

I hatched under the pressure that that stupid container I was trying to fit into the entire time, and realized, Oh...I am ACTUALLY superior. I don't think it. I just am. 

I suppose realizing it because people just constantly give you positive reinforcement would feel nicer, but realizing it simply because people keep trying to throw mud on you in such a specific way is oddly satisfying as well. Because the truth isn't in their words, where there can be lies. It's simply in their actions and intent. And when you keep giving me your money to embarrass you...it's simply profit for me.

Must be cultural. 🤷🏽‍♀️