A Nicaraguan Eagle Totem

 It's been a nice couple of weeks to let it all sink in. 

A lot has changed in a very short amount of time concerning me and my private life. I moved overseas, back to the states, much to my culture-shocked, jet-lagged dissatisfaction.

Having to leave BTS behind really did manifest as some very chaotic and teary moments. Our connection feels very tangible at times, and yet, I'm wary to mention these things for fear of public ridicule. 

This private blog may have a reason to go public. I obviously would want to edit it, but all of the seemingly meandering ambition behind the context of my Second Life photos are made plain in this blog.

I'm working on creating a Patreon that will help me build a step-ladder to realizing my full goals in art, but I am wondering how much of this blog I'll have to part with in order to add value to the work without telling my deepest darkest secrets to the public.

I mean it's not like I've ever confessed to murder or anything, but even so, this is a real element to consider in the grand scheme of endearing myself to my patrons as an actual human being they feel they can relate to.

Most recently Pocahontas and Hawks' bond has grown quite strong. I had briefly mentioned, before, that they seemed "adorably codependent" and I stand by that.

As a matter of fact, Pocahontas is actually very conscious about being stealthy. In the past I can recall one dream I had with her in it, years ago. It was so vivid and realistic, the images of it in my brain are as detailed as a photograph.

I walked into a bank and sat with a personal banker (Pocahontas) in her little black 3-piece corporate pencil skirt suit. The entire time she was tapping info into her computer with those delicate fingers and long nails, I couldn't help but notice how detailed and absolutely styled to the tips of her manicure she was. She just seemed so real. I looked at her concentrated expression as she filled out my loan application and my eyes focused on her facial features. She definitely looked like a real person, but she was still the spitting image of her animated Disney self, and I thought her to be so beautiful I found myself  staring at her.

I felt like I knew her. Like we were surely best friends! We got along very well, even though this was the first time I'd ever met her

She began speaking to me about the terms of my loan and as I watched her crimson lips moving as she spoke, I had the overwhelming urge to offer her my Sephora lipstick, and so I did. She took it without hesitation, and applied it to her lips, generously refreshing the perfect shape of her pout and pressing them together for good measure  in a way that made her make supermodels look dull and flat. Then she smiled and thanked me while returning it to me, but it simply felt second nature that I reacted that way in the first place. 

She really is that beautiful. But here's what you might not know, she's also quite ghetto.

It's not that obvious. It's not in her dialect. It's just in her temperament and demeanor. I didn't get to see her fuck up a customer service experience, per se. But it was just the way she threw her weight around that bank. It was the way she tapped her pen on her desk and chewed on it, when she was thinking; the way she was swiveling to and fro  with her legs crossed in that tall-backed computer chair and the tone she took with her co-workers, that, after I woke up, registered as...well... "unprofessional" (in my white corporate America voice)

That was the only time I'd had a memorable interaction with her up until the moment I conjured her on that couch with Itachi, a few weeks ago.

I didn't know about her white liver affliction before then.

Things have been going so well between Keigo and Pocahontas that I'm definitely hearing wedding bells. She actually wanted to propose to him - she made that clear to me, (perhaps out of feeling a sense of responsibility for leaving John) but Keigo beat her to it.

I'm happy Keigo is doing better. I really thought he was losing his mind there for a second. He was really getting out of control - and I say that, maybe with a little bit of tongue-in-cheek humor, but Keigo was actually starting to scare me with how hard he was burning himself out on all sides of his life. The hero work, the Yes/No harem (he had eased up, but he was using them as emotional Kleenex) and most recently, the war. I am not reading the BNHA manga, I am too sensitive and I will cry like a little bitch, so spoiler alert, I just read up on what's important to keep up.

I low-key think I was the one that set him off, but he was always at risk for becoming "corrupted" or at least knocking a few screws loose, in a manner of speaking. Firstly Keigo's drinking habits have gotten worse recently. Chalk it up to as many reasons as there can possibly be for his depression and self-loathing, but I think he began going a little insane after a night in January where he stayed up with me all night long attempting to pull me through a dimensional fold to shift into his reality.

 It was hardcore. He waited until I was right at the threshold of sleep at least 6 times over the duration of an 8 hour sleep cycle and he ALMOST succeeded once.

Back at that time, we were still trying to be a thing and I can tell you boldly, he is very passionate about his ability to keep his word. When I begin slipping into sleep, I remember feeling him grab my foot and pull it as hard and fast as he possibly could on the beach house living room sofa. My foot cramped up so hard, if I didn't realize what was happening, I would have had a sobering, waking reaction to the pain alone. But even as I felt this charlie-horse level cramp as he tried to pull the rest of my body into the mold of my avatar (whose feet are in the meanest arch imaginable) I endured it, until he lost his grip, tumbling backwards and I was still here. We kept trying all night long, but to no avail, and after that he always wanted to keep trying, but just one night of almost falling asleep constantly is enough to almost drive a person mad. So gradually, I let it go. And as our relationship became more strained, it seemed a moot point to continue.

He slowly became more and more erratic after that. He always was questioning his hero status, but it seemed this incident was yet another reminder of how limited his power truly was, in his mind.

He can be childish. Anyone who knows him, is acutely aware of how he can seem so innocently ignorant at times and yet cling to the hope that he won't be disillusioned by the harsh reality that clings to him like the stench of poverty. He knows rock bottom, and even though he hates it, he's familiar with it.

Pocahontas changed all that though.

Keigo was kind of a bum. He didn't even shower every day until after she came into his life. Granted, the wings take a while to dry, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt there; but he would also go on all night benders just to roll out of bed and go straight on patrol sometimes too. 

He's got a spark I've never noticed before. It always starts out hot when you enter into a Y/N relationship with an anime hottie, and Keigo has game. But it always falls flat after a few turns on the carousel and he just gets bored. 

Now, all I ever hear him say is how he can't believe his eyes when she's lying there right in front of him, filling the void in his heart and arms, while actually feeling as vulnerable as he does. They're so ridiculous because they way they look at, and hold each other is so deeply and profoundly hopeless in it's abandonment of ALL SENSES and yet they are each terrified the other might find some reason to leave because this is too wholly, completely, perfectly too irresponsibly dreamlike to be true.

It's precious. 

That's not to say there haven't been some small bumps in the road. Of course, early on, there was the backsliding with John, but there hasn't been any further incidences with infidelity since then.

However, Keigo still has no clue about Itachi and Pocahontas' "test run'. Itachi is the opposite of petty and even though he cannot stand Keigo, he actually seems somewhat happy for him despite the fact that they're not friendly.

Pocahontas hadn't seen or spoken to Itachi since the last time, until yesterday. I don't remember what it was in reference to that got them both standing in the same space again, but I remember saying something like "Pocahontas eyes are actually quite dark, so I doubt people can tell what she's thinking just by looking." in reference to how she would respond to genjutsu, I think.

Somehow she ended up just standing a few feet away from him and he looked disgruntled. He took his fighting stance and she smirked and I was like, okay guys if you wanna rock and roll, take it to a more open area please. So he walks to a wider space, never taking his eyes off her and she keeps her distance, but only just.

After a stretched  moment of tension, Itachi pulls out Kunai. Pocahontas face goes from slightly amused to offended and she wonders aloud "If you're using weapons...I should too?"

At that moment, I almost jump in to break it up when she begins walking toward him, gradually making his discomfort levels rise with every step closer that she took until she was right in front of him, looking into the most distrustful glare an Uchiha gaze can muster. Then she hugged him. He stood there a little awkwardly with his kunai dangling from their loops on his fingers before awkwardly hugging her back with an expression on his face that read "Why?" to me.

As soon as she left, Itachi just stared at me with a skeptical expression. He doesn't trust her at all. I know this, but his increasing dislike for her is becoming a little amusing to me, and I hate laughing because he does not find it funny in the slightest. 

She may have been a little taken with him, but he's happy to pretend it never happened.

Which brings me to my final bit of news. The white liver is no more. 

Yesterday Pocahontas and I had a very touching and friendship bonding psychic moment and in that moment I just wanted to heal her.

Pocahontas loves Keigo because he's never told her "no" physically. Pocahontas was getting everything she ever wanted and for once in her life she felt like she could physically fill the void and be satisfied from the inside, out.

It worked short-term. Keigo was keeping up with the supply and demand, but he wanted to obviously do anything and everything within his power to keep her satisfied AND happy.

So after a while of Pocahontas riding Keigo like the world's happiest rooster, her appetites, naturally, started to grow. All the things she never dared to bring up with John in all the years they were together were now Keigo's proud responsibility- which he took very seriously.

It ain't his first rodeo being a 🖤daddy🖤. She liked the domination far more than anyone anticipated, and he does shit like controlling what she wears (it's like a whole new level in the sex game, it excites her emphatically to the point of showing the fuck off) Like when he bought her the most expensive sexy sheer designer, pink, spring dress with the dankest pearl earrings and necklace set, diamond bracelet and gold embellished shoes. Not to mention a real leather bag. He really didn't hold back at all. No expense was spared. When she put on the completed look was when he decided the only way she was allowed to wear it out with me, was if she didn't wear anything underneath it.

Of course, she was more than happy to oblige.

My dress is short, yeah, 

Waitaminute....bitch....are you naked under that?

Don't be suspicious. Don't be suspicious.

I can't take yo ass nowhere!

What a flex! I know Keigo, he's just "humble bragging" by showing off his favorite parts of his favorite lady and shrugging behind the scenes like "I guess that's just how they sit up. She's just that perfect. And mine." 

She's so there for all of it. There was a part of her early on that was very interested in trying some...back end stuff, with Keigo. He didn't mind it on the surface but as time went on, and it didn't happen, she wondered if he was avoiding it.

 He said he didn't want to taint her perfection.

She was amused. But he meant it.

Yesterday after she and I had a teary-eyed bonding moment, I offered to sync her sexuality with mine. Buddha jumped, startled and Itachi and Tae looked up at me with mounting concern as I felt our her soul overlap with mine, holding my own hand as if it were hers.

After a moment, I felt her soul slide back into her own possession and I immediately felt like throwing up. I tried to power through the feeling, but I ended up having to lie down and I passed out just coping with it.

It was my liver.

I'm sure, because it felt the way it does after a hangover and you've just puked your guts out and there's nothing left in your stomach. It was above butterflies, right at the top of the stomach where it would feel fun if you were on a roller coaster or falling, and yet, all I felt is like I wanted to launch my guts all over the floor. 

Honestly I thought I was pregnant. I feared that she might have gotten pregnant with all the sex they've been having this entire time and maybe I somehow got left with the fetus. My stomach felt so nauseated and my nethers were also reacting, all of a sudden; and I wasn't horny, so I'm thinking, "could this be a side effect like morning sickness?"

It felt like something was gnawing at my liver in the same way that Christina Ricci was doubling over, writhing on the floor and clinging to that chain for dear life every time she had a spell in Black Snake Moan. I'm sure there are varying intensities of this affliction. Pocahontas was literally jumping off cliffs to manage it, and I got a first hand account of what its like. I was able to maintain an objective perspective, since it didn't make me feel horny, it was clearly designed for someone else's constitution. On me it just felt nauseating. 

Eventually after a few hours, I digested it. It felt like I ate a void and when it finally passed, I was no longer affected by it at all. But it was massive and hard to digest. I'm glad its gone and I think she's better now.

Things changed immediately after this. She went home to Keigo and they have switched up the routine. If you know Keigo, then you know one of his most favorite things is deep diving below the navel and he says he cant pick a favorite set of her lips 🙄😏😂.

She was a HARDCORE dick enthusiast up until yesterday. You'd think they would have calmed down, but she just discovered new feelings about his lips, so I was happy for her, even when it lasted 6+ hours and long enough to make my neighbors weary. She is satisfied with this which is saying a lot, AND she is not reaching to the extremes of her consciousness to attain completion anymore. Her orgasms are (forgive me for being blunt) "softer" in her words. She adores it and is satisfied with 1 or 2, instead of needing 5 or 6 just to feel pacified.

She is a grown woman. If she still wants to knock on the back door, that's up to them, but at first glance it seems like it was just another symptom of a larger problem. She and Keigo are so lucky they found each other, because he's so patient and loving with her, that he is willing to do whatever it takes to keep her mint (like she's a collector's item) so he was always very careful even when she was demanding he be more brutal.

Good riddance to that white liver.

P.S. Apparently Keigo is at least half Nicaraguan. Random as fuck, right? I was obviously like"LOL you're full of shit", but the more I thought about it, the more easily I came to accept the concept.

For a long time, I would think Keigo's name and it would instantly and intuitively be followed by "Martinez", in much the same fashion that "Marco" is always followed by "Polo". I do realize some Yes/No might have just gotten really possessive in the Aether, but it was always in his voice, like he was trolling me EVERY SINGLE TIME I thought his name. Then he told me recently that he was Nicaraguan, and I was like ...🤨 k....