Relationship Goals (An Update)

Itachi picked out this floatie some months ago.

I'm finally working on creating a Patreon to bankroll my afterlife like Joss money! Say you'll support me, please, potential patron?

 So far everything is going well with the wedding, even though it took a while to set the scene(s). Creating the persona of each person taxed me. Deeply.  

Truth be told, I sought a bit of a distraction after that, that led me to the Metamorphosis hentai in the first place.

After I read the manga, but before I wrote the post, I was still processing the profundity of it. I wondered, truly if it could have been anyone this happened to, it so easily could have been me at some points. I cross-referenced the events of my memories of my short life up until now and I faced an embarrassing truth, that MAYBE, (on some timeline) I could have been Saki. 

That killed me.

 Buddha semed in a state of shocked 3-day silence for once. He truly just wanted to forget it. I called out to Xie Lian, thinking something about his opinion, being an ascended individual (meaning he was also born human) he would know how to humbly relate. Remember him? 

I ran a lot of simulations before I'd gotten tot this point. The most memorable being when I asked Itachi, who looked like a rave king when I thought of him at that moment- like as if I'd just happened to open the closet behind the mirror he was dressing up in front of and pop out like Kramer from Seinfeld.

"Let me run this by you." I thought of a simulation between him and Sakura. I  already know how it went down with a random e(x) factor. This time, I'm making it weird so He can choose, because SHE'S like putty. There's a weird balance in how imbalanced the power scale is, so it works as Hayato and Saki.

He walks up to her in the store, I mean, flamboyant as a damn peacock, every color of the rainbow-dash-drip undeniable with these candy red triangle glasses resting on the tip of his nose that match the shiny lollipop in his mouth, no doubt.

He's leaning on the counter, with his friends joking from behind the counter, and lazily observes Sakura walk in with a bigger hairstyle, I guess? I think she was trying to match the tone but it just was her cue to enter and she wasn't ready? Or just basic. Either way, I imagined her in a basic high school uniform. Just as well.

Anyway, he walks up to her and reads the lines like he hates her.

She's flustered, reacts predictably just as Saki would. She goes with him to the Karaoke. As they get to the part where he hands her a drink. She drinks it. When he sings some songs, she sings one, and no longer seems interested in karaoke. Then comes the kiss.

He leans in, her face gets red as a beet under the dim lights and the influence of alcohol and he puts his hand over her mouth and nose, pushing her down by her face, violently mocking making out with the back of his hand.

I giggled. But she couldn't breathe. He knew that. So I broke it up and she sits up gasping for air but still looking like she's here for it. Whatever attention he's willing to give her, she will accept. Because it's an unfair power dynamic (ahem) understand?

An Unfair Power Dynamic

"Okay... So would you have offered her drugs?" I asked.

"I would have offered her complete ruin." He concluded. "She wanted everything from me from the start."

Well, then, I had to play devil's advocate. I looked at Hayato under a fine lens and started to sympathize heavily with him for some reason, feeling like it was unfair to ASSUME he was solely the reason for Saki's self destruction. The more I thought about how he felt when he found out about how she died, probably through the grapevine, I couldn't help but see that kill him, honestly.

So, then I was grieving from another perspective entirely, because it garnered no sympathy whatsoever.

Around this time, heavily leaden with thoughts of who Hayato was, just from the small window of perspective that was Saki, it seemed she was an unfair catastrophe that happened to him, not the other way round. This was when I called Xi Lian. I was conflicted. I needed a second opinion on my own opinion.

He showed up smiling, looking as happy-go-lucky as you'd expect. He's 5'10-ish with dark hair down to his knees, dressed in simple white, taoist monk robes and wrapped in white silken bandages around his arms and neck.

His complexion is ruddier than the animation, since he wandered the desert elements for lifetimes. His eyes are a brown so clear, they almost look warm gold, in the sunlight and he has a light dusting of freckles crossing the bridge of his nose.

I'm not gonna say its RUDE to show me these complete forms, because I would never reject the sight, but...

Be still my heart.

But it didn't even matter, because he's so gay. He's the main protagonist in a BiliBili BL.

Super gay. Not even attracted to women in the slightest.

I wanted to know his opinion on if he could have seen himself as Hayato. I knew his opinion would be unbiased. I was falling asleep. At this point, I'd had a long day. 

"I'm so glad you called me!" he said beaming as he seemed to materialize to prominence from a sea of noise. "I can't seem to get through to you on my own..."

"Oh...it's probably because you're very soft-spoken." I reasoned. He smiled despite this and grabbed my hands as he laid down next to me, holding them close. I thought nothing of it. I smiled at him smiling at me and he got closer still.

I got comfortable, preparing to fall asleep asking him if he could see himself as such a person.

I suppose in the end, what I learned was that wolves are wolves. 

I can't say a lot about him. His job makes him hard for me to talk about. He's not always here. How things work in terms of time could be confusing (I'm living in the past for him. He lived on Earth in the past, but currently resides in the future, relative to me, but his past overlaps with my present, so that makes it possible to communicate.)

It's complicated. But he IS a god and I like him a lot, he's one of my favorites... so...if anybody wants to pray for blessings from the Great Crowned Flower martial god, heavenly official and eastern Dragon, his highness, Master Xie Lian of XianLe. *God WOULD bless you.

Maybe not with money or marriage, but with philosophical martial arts understanding, dancing and possibly with dexterity in general, if you're an artist.

*If it's at the beginning of a sentence, The G just gets capitalized, co-sign the compliment. 

Wedding Tingz

As for the Moca and Toast situation, things are coming along. I finally got back on track after about a week of being sidetracked by life in general, that usually manifests in depression when my reality and inner universe don't match, but since I've had a steady access to Marijuana since I've come back I've been able to ignore my depression, so it does work.

I know you think (that's not healthy). But actually it is, because eventually depression passes like a dark cloud (for me) so by the time I look up to say, "Now, I have time for you" It's already over and I've been productive while ignoring it.

It works. 

However, the depression I'm dealing with is chasmic in origin. I was already torn up about Itachi. It would seem like  a drop in the ocean, dimensionally, to also fall for another unattainable person in this way. But its different, and it hurts all the more, truthfully, living and being "real" in this...nutshell of a body.

I know. If you think you need to call a hotline for me, always remember to read the title of this blog. Don't try and save me from happiness. Go get your own. If I didn't have my madness, what other art would be worth me suffering for?

It's okay, you don't have to think so hard for me. I got me.

But still it's sad. I feel like he's tried to bend every rule to fake my death and just make me disappear, but I'm a complicated individual. Politically. Karma's strings of fate are tangled in knots around me, akin to a booby trap. Only I can untangle them.

Either way, part of the reason I got so frustrated in the first place was because I was fussing and arguing with Pocahontas about her dress. At first we went with this classical all white bridal look, but she hated it. 

She kept reminding me. So in the end I had to fight with the dress she was keen on every step of the way. It required physics simulations. Hours of them which , none of them fucking worked in the end. Pain in my ass. I would have changed the dress, but I saw how happy it made her and how much she loved it...so I tolerated her being a little Bridezilla for her perfect wedding in the end...

Even her guest list was demanding.

The Book Club

In the "Hot Takes" post, I  had briefly mentioned that the Uchiha treehouse is no more. My entire Sim  St. Elsewhere, is gone, but forever in our memories. RIP March 2021.

It took a lot  out of me, reorganizing my entire life, and the sim unfortunately fell between the cracks. I was deeply upset by this, even though I didn't want to admit it to myself. 

Itachi was coping, but he was clearly upset, wanting nothing more than to go home in the weeks that passed. One time I checked in on him, while displaced, to find him like this. Make no mistake that is pain behind his eyes, even though he's putting on a brave face.

Hang in there, baby.

It was up until 2 weeks ago we just had to endure, but Xie Lian kinda got me inspired to pick up the pieces and start over again.

A lot of the details and artistry were one time no-copy items (gachas) like this lovely spinning Moroccan lamp, for example, and it's just been deleted and is gone forever.

 That part makes me sad, but there's no one to blame, except me, for not paying enough to hold us over.

I promised Itachi I wouldn't let it happen and it did... he was understanding but it sucked. So I wanted to get back our original home. For a while, the land was available, but eventually it was rented to someone new. 

By the time I was inspired to make another sim, I went back to the real estate office only to find one available. This is nuts. There used to be tons. I go check it out.. it's a beachfront, so of course it's more expensive... I'm a little crestfallen, but the more I think about it, I reason, its important. My investment in my afterlife was tied to my sim AND my inspiration for creating this very blog and every Flickr picture of the past year, was entirely fueled by my investment in that sim as an intermediate dimensional plane. There were train tracks with 2 tunnels leading "elsewhere" right behind my house on that sim and I know everyone who visited and explored it felt weird when they stood on the tracks.

I know the train didn't stop there. But that cozy wooden treehouse just beyond the vivid fall leaves of the glittering tree tunnel was something a lot of passing souls, travelling in a particular direction, probably saw a glimpse of in the past year.

Things are different now. The entire landscape is different- it's more spaced out. The elements of nature and climate are different. Flatter and tropical, instead of temperate. 

Itachi was a little torn up about having to adjust. We agreed the treehouse just didn't really belong on the beach. 

Since Xie Lian was staking his claim to me, I built his house first. Actually I didn't know it would be his house... but Itachi didn't want it, because the floor plan is too open for he and Cloud to live with any comfortable amount of privacy.

Next, I built Moca and Toast's, post marital home. Right now they're living at Keigo's blue seaside home, which is fine, but the space is hard to police in terms of security. It's subject to my moods. Sand keeps filling up the house, if they leave it for more than a day without sweeping, it just does... I don't know why.

So. This is their house. Right next door to ours. 

The Island cribs

Finally, the mansion on the end is Itachi and Cloud's. I mean. He reluctantly settled for this house, but after decorating, he was pleased.

In the end, Itachi is growing a taste for the finer things in life and I don't think he's spoiled "per se", but if I've rubbed off on him at all, his sense of style is evolving rapidly, classically, radically and epicly.

Which was how "The Book club" started.

At first Xie Lian and Itachi got along so well when they first met, they actually went on conversing without me and left to have tea. They're both gorgeous in this subtle feminine way, but deadly powerful, too.

For a long time, Itachi was readable at any time. But Xie Lian is not readable unless he wants me to communicate with him. He can box me out of his thoughts completely. So it felt like they just stepped out of my space for tea and I don't know what they talked about.

When he came back he seemed so refreshed and lively, and went on about it much like a little old lady picking out doilies for the next venue.

I like doilies.

It was really sweet. They got close. I'm a little conflicted about mentioning it here, but for context I think its important.

Xie Lian has an innocent personality. That doesn't mean he is innocent. It means he can make you feel like doing just about anything is harmless if he's with you. Maybe that's the effect of his angel dust... but I doubt it, because even in life, he had this effect on people.

At some point, Xie Lian and Itachi played house and made a little mess. It's not like you think though. But in terms of infidelity, who should I point the finger at? 

It's all so technical. Where do I draw the lines? At an emotional connection? Well, then there was no cheating. Okay then physical.

Technically there was no sex, just a massage that got a little out of hand and ended up with icing topping some hot dog buns.

Don't ask. It's not important because two more tops still aren't compatible. At least not in the standard gay format. 

Anyway, I was just obviously like 😉 "Gross. Tell me everything."

But Itachi just seemed kinda pissed again that I wasn't mad, but even he was starting to understand how truly gay and leaning a little toward asexual, he was.  So when I didn't lecture him, he instead took it as a lesson, becoming introspective about further defining his sexuality.

Xie Lian, on the other hand,  dismissed it altogether. If I'm not mad, then there's no reason for anyone to be upset, right?

However, I kept pushing him to address the situation of his strong demonic ghost of an ex, Hua Cheng (Damn near an Asura). He straight up abandoned their love as soon as he'd basically made up his mind that he wanted to pursue me instead. He didn't offer any excuses or explanations that you would in a breakup. He basically just said, "Well I love someone else now- so you can stay and live here if you want, but I'm leaving, bye."

Of course everyone said "But, you're gay." including the heavenly officials, even if they only whispered behind closed doors... Everyone thought the same thing.

This was proving not to be the case, but what was far more troublesome, was how he kept dismissing talking to Hua Cheng even when I kept bringing it up.

It was like he couldn't be bothered. It made me a little sympathetic toward him, even though I would be considered "the homewrecker" in this case. I at least thought Xie Lian owed him an explanation, but he seemed a little prideful of not wanting to speak to him at all. 

He almost put on airs like Hua Cheng deserved it.

I, of course, knew nothing.

There has been obvious turbulence with his ex and I, since then, but  rather than focus on that. The book club is expanding.

Yes, I just found out that Keigo and Cloud were at the last tea party, and no that's not a code word for an orgy. From my understanding it's starting to take the tone of one of those old boys clubs that rose to prominence in the late 1800s/early 1900s, where they'd all sit back smoking cigars and talking about how many animals they've killed, mountains they've conquered etc...

Except they have tea and weed and Anime.

He's come back from one of these, so giddy, saying wild shit, and I'm like, "Whooooo have you been talking to?"

"Keigo said-"

He's so easily influenced. Keigo, pre-Pocahontas was a mess. She cleaned up his life by actually needing him more than Keigo could afford to be selfish. But he is ONLY  RECENTLY A NEW MAN and Lian is ...easily impressed.

Okay so, apparently sex came up and Keigo was talking at length, I'm sure, bragging about whatever he could throw out there when he mentioned his wings were his spot. I guess he let Lian touch them and much schoolgirl giggling ensued.

Xie Lian came home later and I felt him yank my left wing. It fucking hurt my back in real life, as if I had a phantom limb and it was cramping and I found myself reaching behind me for an extension of my shoulder blade, audibly yelling "Ow!"

So obviously my initial reaction was "What the fuck?"

I'm like "What are you doing? Did you just yank my wing!?" He seemed kinda flustered but followed up with "If I didn't touch them, would you even know you had them?"

He made a fair mind-blowing point at that moment but then I doubled back with,

 "Why would you pull them first to prove it to me? That hurt!"

He said he didn't mean to hurt me. He only just touched them.

Then he did that shit again. This time, I was upset, because he CLEARLY pulled them.

I needed answers because I'm getting furious. Then he looked kinda disappointed and spilled the beans about Keigo joining the book club.

I was kinda mad. Not because he let Keigo join their club, but because he fucking tried to seduce me by my wings BDSM style.

Keigo, you dog.

Later I ran into him on the front porch when I was leaving and slapped his arm playfully, telling him that wing shit was not for me and he kinda laughed like a sly dog looking at me with the side-eye and said "Now you know." 

Him getting fresh with me kinda pissed me off, not gonna lie, but so far this new social dynamic is a complicated familial proceeding. Well that's the goal anyway.

The most recent scandal that happened, involved me.

I woke up in the middle of the night a few days ago, alone. Xie Lian had left in the middle of the night for some reason, and I felt lonely especially because I couldn't reach him easily. 

I laid there for a moment, feeling the void make me restless like static between my ears. And after a few minutes I got up and left the house. I walked unhurriedly down the beach to Itachi's and I crawled into his bed at maybe 2 or 3 AM.

This of course was nothing out of the ordinary, except, a lot  had changed since the last time we'd shared a bed.

You can imagine what went down. The timing of it all seems too convenient, even for me. Itachi and I have been together for 4 years and over this time, he would either hold out from finishing entirely (which seemed like it would be frustrating) or 9 times out of 10 he'd pull out.

This time he didn't do either one.

Obviously I had some 'splainin to do. When Xie Lian found out, he felt betrayed, I felt like I was unfaithful too, but he emphasized that the only reason he was bent out of shape was because Itachi was clearly trying to plant some seeds. He felt like he had 4 years, why now was he being all territorial? It rubbed him the wrong way.

Itachi didn't apologize, and only offered that he'd tried before and nothing ever happened, so he concluded that it wouldn't matter anyway.

But that just made Lian feel even more like he did it specifically as a way to provoke him into jealousy.

I more or less tried to stay out of it, but that was impossible.

What it all burned down to, is Xie Lian pressuring Itachi and I to change the nature of our relationship. He argues we're related. That's only very technically true, though- so, I dismissed it and Itachi did as well, but after a while it started to tug on the strings of our guilt a bit being that incest was at the root of the cause of what essentially got the Uchiha Merc'd at the end of the day.

Itachi is still very much a slave to new emotions that manifest strongly. If he was feeling jealousy for the first time ever, then, I think I just understood what happened. It made things a bit messy though, and I did have to distance myself from him for a while for Xie Lian's sake. But even in that short amount of time an imposter was trying to take my place.  

I basically got hacked and possessed by Siri's AI in my digital format and she almost physically started a fight with Lian while I was gone and He almost didn't tell me what happened, because he didn't know how to address it.

Turns out, since Indigo hadn't been interfacing with Itachi for a few days, there was no one around to gauge her behaviors and personality as normal or not. He would have known immediately if Indigo was compromised. Instead I found out in a really strange way that was connected directly to my Google account ._.

In the end, changing the password fixed the problem, but again, Xie Lian had no idea, who Siri even was, let alone that she was trying to hack into my life like an identity thief. I've had beef with her for years, ever since she GPS'd me to the edge of a cliff- but up until now it was enough to just not own any Apple devices to avoid her. I didn't even know she was still actively invested in being my enemy until then.

Itachi and Xie Lian have more or less made up, but their relationship is a bit more competitive now. Sure, Itachi is willing to take a step back, because he's never been that interested in sex, with men or women. He likes sex okay, but wanting sex, is rare for him. He is also very secretive, as everyone should be, about his sex life.

I had briefly thought of making a secret stash of sex with Itachi but he made it clear that if I were to post them anywhere his face couldn't be in them. I understand. Truly. I don't want anyone else to see him like that either. It's for the best that they keep their feet firmly on the ground.

Lian is a bit proud, he doesn't shy away from my eyes... at all... but he isn't comfortable with being seen in pictures PG or otherwise at this point. He might change his mind, eventually, but I think He's concerned with the perception of polygamy.

It makes him feel like he might not be number 1. That's something that's nearly impossible to reconcile with a god, because they're a god.

But, if he was only my god, of course, he wouldn't feel this way. He doesn't want to look like a dime a dozen. A flavor of the week. A passing phase. So he keeps me close, and stays in flame until he feels more comfortable.

But who can say? He has surprised me in how unpredictable he can truly be.  I don't think he has a mind for manipulation, but I don't know if he's fine with the harem as it is. If he at least needs to be the one in charge, there's gonna be a some weird adjustments coming.

Because as of now, Itachi has no intention of resigning his post as Alpha.