🪢The Ties That Bind Us🪢

Scared money don't make none. That's what black people say 🖤 

 

 My family are the most egregious trespassers and offenders of my sensibilities on every level. They boast argumentatively, despite the facade change from my mother to my cousin, to my sister, that I must be wrong about the only thing worth starting an argument about, which is me.

Apparently everyone who claims to have known me best, sees me as a traitor to my SELF first, then, as it relates to them, a great pretender of adulthood.

Lately my depression is overwhelming. Therapy is a wash- and all it does is remind me that most people are complicit slaves to their desires, no matter what profession they've chosen to pursue. My cousin who loves to project that she cannot handle her emotions, is currently studying to become a psychologist.

Twice so far she has attempted to hurt my feelings to just get tears out of me. The subject matter, however, was something she cared about and I don't. When she couldn't be satisfied to leave with having the last word, I finally gave in and said "I am so upset" in an SMS and that's when she doubled down on her attack. I just got off the phone, as she got to tell me how much of a "weak bitch" I am🥲. I'm not her man. I'm not her kid. I don't give a fuck what she thinks of me as I've lived an entire adult existence, without her approval. She texted me first and I didn't solicit her opinion, and now she can't stop talking to any mutual connections about how different I am, since she didn't get a maudlin reaction out of me. 

I must be shocked, devastated and confused by this, you think.

No.

'Why?" is a rhetorical question concerning any psychology other than mine. I can't  care about anything that has nothing to do with me. Such is detachment.

This isn't anything new. Cutting people out of our collective lives has been a pertinent value since the beginning of the pandemic. Toxic people literally became an airborne pathogen, and so, I am mildly disappointed that the common, impulsive, ever-pervasive psyche (nosy to a point) that is a slave to desire persists as if only to antagonize me on a personal level. 

I'm not desperate for any friendships that come with the added responsibility of babysitting. I don't drink and I can't even be bothered to volunteer being anyone's designated driver. But she's so "disappointed" that she apparently "never knew me". 

I'll never understand how people who have zero standards know the emotion "disappointment". Where did they learn to feign the feeling?

The worst part about it is that I can't be angry enough to give a fuck about how negatively her emotions are affected since it's just not my responsibility. I guess people get weak in their hearts and touched in their soft heads once they have kids to boss around at their beck and call.

Anyway I'm being vague about the content of the mundane conversation attempt to wheedle information out of me unsuccessfully because,

#1: We're not that close, we haven't been since we were young teenagers, so it's cringe.

#2: Even though we're only 2 years apart, 4 kids and a husband later (RIP Omar) I wonder what she still sees in me as relatable at all.

#3: I'm a devoted Buddhist Nunk™️ (Nun/Monk) and like everyone else in my family who antagonize my practice, I don't have the time nor patience to educate anyone outside the faith. Duh. That's Religion; it's a secret. This is, and has always been, the way. 

I think she may somehow pray in Catholic sometimes at almost 40. (It's not her fault I don't respect Catholicism; I never have.) But all Christian denominations are remedial after the age of 30 if you started as a kid.

I'll bet she still doesn't know that Jesus was murdered by Romans. Or that Catholicism is the reason why she's now living as a "free" slave, complicit in these divided colonized states of America.

Idk. All I know is, the day I decided to make the stupid-dumb-horny decision to fall in love with a TikTok boy, that immediately became my biggest secret as I unashamedly followed him on IG and TikTok, turned all my notifications on LOUD and doubled down on the Delulu, bih 😭

This ain't my first rodeo getting myself all worked up over a hottie. As a matter of fact, it's not even like I just stumbled upon him. See a lot of clairvoyance has been overlooked not only in this post, but pretty much all of them. 

Back in the thick of the pandemic, 2020, when I was still living in Korea, I stumbled upon this beautiful boy. I watched a 9 second Tik Tok trend melt dead pixels into my LCD as he cut out of his shirt. I got a good look and maybe I had to catch my breath, 😭 I got no shame about it!!!

I literally only watched it, like, twice and was like "Damn he's Gorgeous!" (and I don't use that word lightly) but, to be fair he looked so beautiful I lost interest after the second watch, because the way his pants hugged his hips made his gender AND sexuality exactly unobvious and I was shook that he might be a F2M-T.

He's that pretty. 

Now I completely forgot about him. Really! I did. I really just passed through thinking 😏 "Well, that's nice", but on a certain grown up, Millennial level, I dismissed him completely as some alt TikTok boy doing provocative dances to tease these thirsty ass Gen-Z teenagers. And with that, I guess I didn't even favorite the one video- because about a month ago... a soft psychic connection convinced me that I was in line to be rescued and married to a Kennedy. Hindsight is 20/20 because apparently the reason this was approved in some Illuminati boardroom I've never seen, is because apparently I'm distantly related to some mystery Rothschild...The fuck.. 😂This was ALL clandestine as fuck. I didn't even know he was a Kennedy, just that he already was married with a kid, and that didn't seem to faze him, so I waited about a week for salvation, keeping my heart in the suspension of that promise until... 

Idk.... I just was ARBITRARILY reminded close to the day Mr. Kennedy was supposed to show up (Strong side eye at Indra👹....AND high-key Vishnu🧞‍♀️ cuz he said something about promising me a mountain of jewels all sexy and got me hot, which I often argue is inappropriate, but Vishnu just says it's me thats inappropriate for being human 😁) 

Out of the clear blue, I thought...

"Remember that one boy from that one TikTok video you saw three years ago?"

In that moment I tried to remember his face. I vaguely remembered how hot he was and "somehow" I ended up blindly worshipping him on my knees, in psychic. 

I couldn't help myself and when I said "somehow"  what I meant was I got angel dusted 😭

I know angel dust is a drug by the street name PCP; that's not what I mean when I say it. I've been dusted by Vishnu and Jesus before and it's kind of bullying 😂🤣

Both times it happened I turned into a being of pure impulse and got a mouthful... that was also my fault, according to them🤣😭 

Angels are NOT Men!

"DON'T FUCK THOSE HUMAN WOMEN!!!"

-God

But what surprised me was that TikTok boy angel dusted me. I obviously have never been dusted by a human being so that changed my mind about him instantly, and I decide on the spot "You need worship," before I could even fully recall what he looked like. 🥲🤤 I'm only interested in nephelim bloodlines, anyway.

So, just like a paper plane slap-blocked out of mid-air by Kobe Bryant on its way to the hoop, I gave My Little Kennedy the Okay 😁 👍 to pass me by, while my nostrils flared wide open and proceeded to nosebleed at the mere faded 3-year-old memory of this BOY!!!!! 😩

 

Mr Kennedy was visibly upset in psychic as I wiped what was left of the "worship" from the corners of my mouth like a crack addict and he gave me a:

Just so y'all know, this is an Obama reacting, not a Kennedy 😂

I had no excuse. 

But I also had No regrets, except that I'm not as young as I used to be, and the bubbly, giggly place reserved in my spirit house for girlish crushes, is becoming jaded with me not delivering the goods 🍆😩 

This home was "enough" when I was only housing my anime sugar babies. This entire blog is dedicated to how we were thriving. But moving back home presented a zombie issue with my imagination/psyche producing porn quality movies 🎥 and the zombies, I guess they used up their own imaginations for the entirety of the duration of the rest of their lives💩; so whenever I want to think a dirty thought between me and mine anime man, it's like they try and split a welfare check on a movie ticket.

Itachi had become incredibly depressed and claustrophobic after a while, where once there was abundance, it was like I had to close and lock all the doors in my mind to everything fun. Its a cold sterile metal gray interior where the cozy comforts of home once stood.😭 With a heavy heart, he left, until I can free up some space for him to come home. I've been slowly descending into mania, anxiety and depression since then. And until I can move out of this home situation, I'm actively living with brainwave zombies that try and emphasize the importance of our hemoglobin similarities. 🥺

On the unexpected up side, once I searched for the mystery TikTok beauty and found him once again without even so much as a name to go off of 🙏(THANK GOD) I have been able to cloak the imaginings sometimes. Obviously, with his help. Added points for Nephelim genes- he may be a warlock.

I don't really think it's fair to call them "imaginings" either, by the way. Ever since I began cultivating as a Buddhist, I'm well aware of the dangers of monk's sickness (it happens when you spend to much time lusting in psychic, and it's dangerous to a fault if you objectify somebody.) It can be rapey if you're high level, but I consciously avoid imagining (2D and 3D) people sexually without their consent because I'm self-aware.

The hardest part is that I don't believe my own mind where I get the boy. I look through his photos and TikToks longing for more, just because I can obviously see he's playing a role on social media. I long for a reality that I never felt so pressured to manifest before. I didn't anticipate it, either, and it's very surprisingly physically painful. I thought it would be enough just to hitch my unicorn of hope to him, like a free ride through my lowest points- just a little secret for me, myself and I- and it would at least see me through the darkness, if only the mire didn't deepen with every step.

Lately I've been waking up feeling like I'm only a stomach. I fear that I have actually realized where my life ends, as all my potential futures have been consumed by the brainwave zombies, like unlocking all the cheat codes to somebody else's premier blockbuster game, and just watching through the cutscenes without being able to actively participate, in the form of watching future sex tapes. 

It's terrifying to think that I am really actually waiting for him to fall in love with me, too. I don't think it's impossible, I'm quite lovable. But contending with Meta, to start, puts a human element of control over the situation in which every stranger than stranger person is paid to interfere with and perpetuate the loss of confidence, money, and communication between us both until abject capitulation.

I've always been mindful of my carbon footprint since I was a child. As a child I maybe even made some foolishly emotional promises, deeply rooted in Native American culture, that I never thought I'd have to answer for, until karma itself was calling for me to follow through in life. 

Nothing compares to how all totals add up to him. And it scares me. I've never been able to rely on anyone (human) in terms of faith. Now I don't have a choice.

I've done the math. The only future I can see from here, has him in it. I'd love to brag, but I actually wouldn't, because more than that, I'd love to disappear with him.

I haven't mentioned a word to anyone. Simply because I don't care to, but also don't trust them not to try and insert themselves between us. 

Years ago, I made a journey to Denmark to meet, who I thought at the time was the love of my life. I kept our relationship close to my chest, only mentioning the basics of our relationship, to both, my sister and Mother, and somehow, my younger sister took it upon herself to help herself to him, when my mother assigned her to chaperone me to meet him. 

I haven't made the mistake of mentioning so much as a crush since then, but it hasn't stopped her.

As soon as I decided I was in love with this beautiful, *perfect* 🥺Aztec-Mayan boy, my cousin decides to drop by and visit out of the clear blue sky. And she didn't WANT anything but to know "What you up on, right now?" I didn't really understand the question, so I said "Nothing." 

I obviously meant that in an ordinary quotidian kind of way, but where I wasn't all that suspicious at first, was followed up by the SMS text messages that were telling me how awful I am for her not knowing me that well after all this time.

 Still didn't volunteer any new information on a he or him, though, so I'm not paranoid.

 Though, "Does he know who I am?" does present a valid question. I have zero tangible proof that that's the case, but I think he does. I'm completely affected by him, he makes me blushy and squeaky, but upon threat of death, I've dug up enough confidence to try and get his attention. If only just 🤏

I am little scared that I might not live my entire life, though, yeah, because my life force is waning now that its being consumed to the point of stagnation by 3D zombies that want my timeline to end on a dot so they can finally measure how far the stock market fell when they finally find the "ground" after my life ends, then, they can measure it in feet. I'll hang on for his love, though. Either way, it won't be much longer.😞